Endings & Beginnings

I'm halfway through Henry Cloud's life-changing Necessary Endings. The subtitle says it well: "The employees, businesses, and relationships that all of us have to give up in order to move forward." It's a book about how to know when to end something in order to grow something new.


One particular section has me pondering. Dr. Cloud relates what he calls "5 Internal Maps" that keep necessary endings from happening:


1. Having an abnormally high pain threshold
2. Covering for others
3. Believing that ending it means "I failed"
4. Misunderstood loyalty
5. Codependent mapping


"Ouch!!" I found myself in each category but two in particular I wrestle with the most: believing "I failed" and misunderstood loyalty.


My friend, Brenda, has been helpful here. She uses a simple tool:

Q-Tip in Brenda's world stands for "Quit - Taking - It - Personally". A portion of my summer internal work is understanding where this happens in my life and leadership. When my idea isn't the one the group decides to use, don't take it personally. When my boss critiques my work, don't take it personally.


Here's where I think it applies to necessary endings. When it's time for an ending, don't take it as a sign that I have failed. Endings are a natural, normal part of the cycle of life. 


"In other words, if you quit any one thing, you are a quitter instead of being wise. For example, the map says that ending a particular business strategy means you are a quitter. Or giving up on a relationship means being a quitter." (Necessary Endings, p. 63)


I hate not being able to make things work. Like most of the male species, I love to fix things. But sometimes it's just time to move on. It's normal. It's natural. It's not personal. Just because it doesn't work doesn't mean I've failed.


Misunderstanding loyalty is a difficult map to replace. Cloud writes about an example: "He had formed a rule in his head that said to grow up and move on was being disloyal and ungrateful." (p. 65) I've met a number of people through the years who can't say good-bye. Instead they blow up the relationship in anger and accusations. It's their map.


I connect with this map when I think I'm responsible for others. I make it personal. I make it about pleasing people rather than focusing on God's call. I make offers to help when it's really not possible. It just looks good.


Galatians 1:10 "Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ."


The Church-world doesn't do well with results oriented decision making. We make it personal. We misplace our loyalty to people rather than the Kingdom. Moving forward sometimes requires an ending that is not enjoyable, fun or pleasant. But it is necessary.


What needs to end in your life in order for you to move on? What relationships are you in that should have ended some time ago? Where do you need to grow up and move on? What map do you deal with the most?


These first few days of Sabbatical have provided some endings and beginnings. Ended is my daily connection to the people of Cornerstone. I don't know the ongoing needs that exist. Ended is my ability to think strategically about next steps because I'm not there for the present situation. Ended is my relationship to "work." That's been an interesting one I'll blog about later.


Now to end Necessary Endings.