I've finished the second Henry Cloud book, this one written with John Townsend. The two are most well-known for their book Boundaries.
Here are the 8 dumb attitudes:
1 - My lover should make some changes
2 - My lover should make me happy
3 - My lover should be perfect for me
4 - My lover should never hurt me
5 - My lover should read my mind
6 - My lover and I should never fight
7 - My lover should trust me without question
8 - My lover should be perfect at sex
Wow, did I find these dumb attitudes in my life and marriage! When I read a book I mark it up, bracketing sentences and paragraphs that a wonderful servant will then take and type into a document for later searching and research. Here are a few of the most memorable quotes for me.
"Growing marriages are made up of growing people. A relationship is only as good as the two individuals who make it up. And nothing helps the relationship more than when you shine a spotlight on yourself and see your own issues, baggage, hurts, weaknesses, and faults." (p. 5)
"Remember the freedom of doing whatever you wanted, when you wanted? Your schedule, money, friendships, and habits were all yours. You answered only to yourself, and that was pretty much it. Then you fell in love." (p. 55)
"Grace, as you will remember, is underserved favor. It is not an enhancement of your relationship; it is your very survival." (p. 76)
"Be aware of the tendency to make your own opinion a moral issue." (p. 89)
"People set themselves up for failure by expecting a good marriage to one without pain." (p. 101)
"The bottom line is this: couples committed to rescuing their love life will search for, identify, and deal with whatever is getting in the way of the voice of love. They won't tolerate old hurts from the past screwing up the opportunity for full, rich, and exciting love for the rest of their lives." (p. 108)
"When you want to be understood, let this question be your guide: 'Is what I am doing getting me closer to being known or farther away?'" (p. 150)
"They have not solved the problem, and nothing is different in the situation, but they are connected because he has heard her." (p. 164)
"Humility is the capacity to experience the reality of who you are. A humble person is one who has no grandiose illusions of herself in either direction - good or bad, strong or weak." (p. 185)
"Sex does not begin when you begin "sex." It is an outgrowth of the connection, love, and tenderness that you have shown up to that moment." (p. 242)
There are many more quotes and sentences to be captured. It was a good book, eye-opening. The way Cloud and Townsend phrase things brings new light on familiar topics. I may have liked the "humility" definition the best of all. Being ok with who I am, owning my strengths and weaknesses, is where true humility is seen. A humble person doesn't try to hide or cover over where they've gone wrong or made mistakes. Humble people, the authors say, take the initiative to admit what they've done before their mate finds out eventually anyway!
My guess is you'll see yourself somewhere in here. Maybe you recognize one or more of the dumb attitudes. Every marriage ship requires some maintenance, plugging of holes, fine tuning, some fuel to keep moving and a direction to go. Where is your marriage headed and are you both going in the same direction? Does your Love Boat need some maintenance, repair and TLC? What can you do today to make sure you don't get to the point of needing a rescue?
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