Q-TIP - Quit Taking It Personally

This is my homework during the Sabbatical, to really understand the depth of Q-TIP. It trips me up more than anything else. I will own what is not mine to own. I will try to solve problems that belong to others. I will say too much. I will take it personally if an idea is not accepted by the rest of the team - personally as in it's a referendum about me instead of just a NO about the idea. Q-TIP is also about me saying NO to some things. (It's more than that, but for now....)...

Saying "No" doesn't mean I don't care. It means...

• I can't, perhaps for right now, perhaps forever
• this is your problem and I won't pick it up
• I'll listen and sympathize but I won't fix what you need to fix
• if my boss says, "Redo it," it's not a sign of failure as a person

I've started reading Henry Cloud's book, The One-Life Solution. He's writing about living an integrated life instead of separate lives between work and personal. One-Life is also about living true to yourself - your values, mission and goals - not letting others drag you away or not jumping away all by yourself because you take ownership of that which is not yours to own. One-Life is about taking ownership of the only thing you can control - you. 

Part of living this one life is being able to be ok with disagreement.

"Do you feel that having a different opinion is somehow a negative thing, no matter what side of the equation you are on? When you disagree with someone, do you feel like you have done something bad or hurt their feelings in some way, just by disagreeing with them? Or, when someone disagrees with you, do you take it as meaning something other than just a different opinion, such as an indicator that you are wrong or inferior or stupid, or some other personal meaning other than simply different?" (p 61)

This is Q-TIP.

Much more to come on this topic. 

Endings & Beginnings

I'm halfway through Henry Cloud's life-changing Necessary Endings. The subtitle says it well: "The employees, businesses, and relationships that all of us have to give up in order to move forward." It's a book about how to know when to end something in order to grow something new.


One particular section has me pondering. Dr. Cloud relates what he calls "5 Internal Maps" that keep necessary endings from happening:


1. Having an abnormally high pain threshold
2. Covering for others
3. Believing that ending it means "I failed"
4. Misunderstood loyalty
5. Codependent mapping


"Ouch!!" I found myself in each category but two in particular I wrestle with the most: believing "I failed" and misunderstood loyalty.


My friend, Brenda, has been helpful here. She uses a simple tool:

Q-Tip in Brenda's world stands for "Quit - Taking - It - Personally". A portion of my summer internal work is understanding where this happens in my life and leadership. When my idea isn't the one the group decides to use, don't take it personally. When my boss critiques my work, don't take it personally.


Here's where I think it applies to necessary endings. When it's time for an ending, don't take it as a sign that I have failed. Endings are a natural, normal part of the cycle of life. 


"In other words, if you quit any one thing, you are a quitter instead of being wise. For example, the map says that ending a particular business strategy means you are a quitter. Or giving up on a relationship means being a quitter." (Necessary Endings, p. 63)


I hate not being able to make things work. Like most of the male species, I love to fix things. But sometimes it's just time to move on. It's normal. It's natural. It's not personal. Just because it doesn't work doesn't mean I've failed.


Misunderstanding loyalty is a difficult map to replace. Cloud writes about an example: "He had formed a rule in his head that said to grow up and move on was being disloyal and ungrateful." (p. 65) I've met a number of people through the years who can't say good-bye. Instead they blow up the relationship in anger and accusations. It's their map.


I connect with this map when I think I'm responsible for others. I make it personal. I make it about pleasing people rather than focusing on God's call. I make offers to help when it's really not possible. It just looks good.


Galatians 1:10 "Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ."


The Church-world doesn't do well with results oriented decision making. We make it personal. We misplace our loyalty to people rather than the Kingdom. Moving forward sometimes requires an ending that is not enjoyable, fun or pleasant. But it is necessary.


What needs to end in your life in order for you to move on? What relationships are you in that should have ended some time ago? Where do you need to grow up and move on? What map do you deal with the most?


These first few days of Sabbatical have provided some endings and beginnings. Ended is my daily connection to the people of Cornerstone. I don't know the ongoing needs that exist. Ended is my ability to think strategically about next steps because I'm not there for the present situation. Ended is my relationship to "work." That's been an interesting one I'll blog about later.


Now to end Necessary Endings.

In Touch with Reality

On Sunday I head to Omaha as an official for the 2012 Swimming Olympic Trials, the fastest swim meet in the world. The top 5 (or more) swimmers in the U.S. could place in the top 16 in the Olympics - but only 2 get to go in each event. It's a fast meet. Everything comes down to these 8 days of swimming.


There's a part of me that would like to deceive myself into saying: "I could do that." It happens when we watch athletes perform, from golf to swimming to volleyball. "I could do that." It happens to pastors when we look at leaders of larger congregations - "I could do that." Basically we're out of touch with reality if we take that too far. At this point in swimming, I know I can't do that - but part of my would like to believe I could. Just yesterday I swam a mile - 66 laps - 1650 yards (I know that's not quite a mile but it's what the swimming world calls a mile) and it felt good. That was the first part of warm-up for Ryan Lochte and Michael Phelps. And they took 10% of the time I took to do it!


We watch leaders (at least I do) and think to ourselves, "I could do that." But can we really? Is that reality? In truth it's not. First of all, not everyone can lead the same number of people. Some are gifted to lead 100 - some 200 - some 500 and some 1000 or more. Unfortunately we place a value on leaders based on the number of people in their organization - at least many leaders do. But truth be told, the leader of 500 can't lead 1000, at least not in the same way.

Henry Cloud's book, Integrity, is about the 6 components of an integrated, mature character. One of those components is Being Oriented Toward Truth. Mature people are in touch with reality. He shared the story of a dog food company that had horrible results. After firing 3 or 4 marketing firms and still having the same results someone finally spoke up and said, "The dogs don't like it." Truth. Reality.


"One of my favorite sayings is, no matter how difficult it is to hear, Reality is always your friend. The reason is almost a truism: everything else is a fantasy. So, for us to get real results in the real world, we must be in touch with what is, not what we wish things were or think things should be or are led by others to believe they are. They only thing that is going to be real in the end is what is." (italics his, p. 106)




Here's what Cloud writes about people who are in touch with reality: (Chaper 8)

1. They seek out the truth about what is real. They keep updating information through active pursuit instead of waiting for it to knock on the door.
2. They have an observing ego. Mature people monitor themselves, they self-evaluate. They see themselves in truth, in reality.
3. They have neutralized truth. Mature leaders are able to look at the facts, the hard truths, and not be overwhelmed either by them or not make them overwhelming in the delivery of them to others. They can focus on the issues and problems apart from people.
4. They maintain a balance between judgment and emotions. Emotion doesn't cancel out thinking and thinking doesn't cancel out emotion. A mature character "has access to all of his thinking faculties, and the emotional state that he is in does not 'override.'" (p. 128)
5. They aren't split personalities, Jekyll & Hyde. Cloud describes this as what I would call black and white thinking. With a failure or a mistake it's all bad and in fact, I'm all bad. A mature character sees the whole picture not just the action, whether about themselves or another person.
6. They have the ability to assimilate and accomodate. Mature characters can bring in new information and make room for it. They are coachable, teachable, flexible and realize they don't yet know it all. When Kathryn married Brian we made room for him in our family and will continue to. We will assimilate and accomodate just as they will with us and Brian's family.

   This last one is huge for me. It's Q-TiP (Quit Taking it Personally). Changing strategies isn't personal, it's business. Adapting to the changing culture isn't personal, it's business. Churches and other organizations that are more married to methods and personal preferences than they are to adapting to the culture are not going to mature. They will stagnate and die. Church business isn't about personal preferences. It's about Kingdom results. Period.

   I'm not suggesting giving up core values and vision. I am suggesting that when it comes to assimilation and accomodation, churches are notorious for being behind the times and one of the most resistant organizations to change. Many are out of touch with reality.

   I have shifted leadership from the size church Cornerstone was in 2003 to today. But I am realizing that what needs to shift for the future vision to be realized is 10 times (or more) what has already been done. I've barely scratched the surface and am in danger of being out of touch with reality. I can't take it personally when I look at the changes that need to be made in me. It's not about me. It's about Jesus!

Where do you need to grow? In this list of 6 characteristics of people who are in touch with reality, where were you tripped up? Where are you stuck thinking about personal preferences while God is calling you to Kingdom principles?